Nothingness for All
by SilverMidnight52
Summary: What if Kensi wasn't the first person to come and see Deeks after everything that happened with Sidorov? What if Kirkin had talked to him first?


I have always loved the relationship that Deeks and Kirkin have and my mind yelled at me until I finally wrote it down. I know. I know. The ship is all kinds of what the hell, but I had to do it!

Warnings: Talks of Torture

**TUMBLR INFO: **I've had to change my Tumblr account because I got muted. I'm not all that surprised to be fair. Anyway, the name is now **SILVERMIDNIGHTWRITE.**

If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnightWrite! I own nothing.

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Pushing his hair out of his face Deeks sat up in his bed not bothering to turn the lights on. It wasn't as if the room had changed in the last five minutes. Just like it hadn't changed in the five minutes before that or the five before that. Nothing had changed at all.

He hadn't known what to think when he got out of the hospital. To him everything felt different. He couldn't explain exactly why things felt different or put another name to it, but he knew that nothing felt the same as it did before.

A small part of him had hoped that as soon as he was out in the real world surrounded by people he'd be able to figure some of it out. If he could see what it was that had changed than he'd be able to identify it.

Yet when he looked around everything seemed as if it was the same. The sun still rose every morning and set every night. Clouds still moved through the sky and waves still crashed on the shore. People kept yelling and laughing as they walked down the street. Nothing was different.

It made no sense in his mind. Something had to have changed. He felt it in everything that he did. Not that he was actually doing all that much, but that didn't matter. Something was different. He knew it.

At least he thought he knew it. At the moment in time it was difficult. He had no idea how to describe it. Truthfully, he wasn't sure he was feeling or thinking of anything at all. As hard as he tried to put a word to it none came; t except for one. Nothingness.

It was actually surprising how little he felt. Outside of pain that was. Every waking second he was in pain. From his back to his teeth to his wrists to his ankles. Every inch of him felt as if it had been hit by a car; more than once.

He didn't want to move or breathe too much for fear of just making everything worse. Even with the pills that he was supposed to be on that was the only thing he felt anymore. It was as if it took over as soon as he opened his eyes.

As soon as he closed his eyes though it was a totally different story. He dreaded that moment as much as he prayed for it. Once he fell asleep he was back in that place. Every sound and smell came rushing towards him and he felt as if he was never going to get out.

He could still clearly hear all of their voices taunting and laughing as they tortured him. The sound of drill and the way his body felt as if it was about to shake apart. The smell of new blood mixing with old as he refused to answer questions.

Then he'd see that man smirking down at him with a knife twisting elegantly in his fingers. He rarely said anything other than to laugh happily. It was only then that the pain hit him and Deeks screamed himself out of the dream.

It was odd, but in the dreams he never felt the actual pain that he knew should have been there until he saw that one mans face. Before that it was more as if he was paralyzed with fear. He wasn't really sure anymore which he hated more. Being awake or being asleep.

All he knew was that moment when he was caught between the dream and reality was the scariest thing he had ever felt. For a split second he was sure that he was back in that place being tortured. The pain felt as if it was happening right then instead of weeks ago.

It took longer than he liked to admit to figure out he wasn't there anymore. He had been 'saved'. He had never realized how much he hated that word. He didn't feel like he had been saved at all. That was the last word that he would use to describe himself.

It didn't matter that he was no longer in that place or that he would never see those faces again. He knew it wouldn't even matter once all his wounds healed and he was able to work again. He would never count himself as 'saved'. At that point he wasn't completely sure he wanted to be.

It felt like a jumbled mess inside of his mind when he first woke up and tried to think. Though if that was from the pain or how little sleep he was getting he wasn't sure. In the last few days since he got home he had gotten maybe three hours of sleep in total. Maybe. It sounded like a good number to say and at that point it was all he had.

Maybe he had gotten less than three hours. He couldn't really get his eyes to focus on the clock long enough to actually see what time it was. Or maybe he was actually still fast asleep and all of it was just one extremely messed up dream.

Deeks couldn't help but laugh at that thought. He had prided himself on his imagination at one point in time, but his mind wasn't fucked up nearly enough to come up with everything that had happened. Anyway, he didn't hate himself that much. Right?

Sighing Deeks ran a hand through his hair once more long past caring how disgusting it was. When was the last time he took a shower? He could vaguely remember having a nurse give him a sponge bath before he left but he couldn't think of the last time he did it for himself.

A part of him honestly couldn't bring himself to care. The doctor had left him with very clear instructions on how to take care of himself so he didn't end up back there with an infection. He probably should find those papers again. Or he could go into the living room and ignore it all. Both were solid plans.

The exactly same plan he told himself every time he sat up. It was routine. Just like it was routine for him to completely ignore those thoughts until the sun came up and then ignore them some more.

It wasn't as if he was going to do anything so it didn't really matter if he got out of bed that day or not. Anyway it was just going to move from the bed to the couch. Why did that sound like it would be exhausting?

So he found himself sitting there his mind completely blank. There was a small part of him that was well aware of the fact that something was wrong. That he was acting wrong. The idea of doing something about it though always seemed to float away before he could grab it.

That was all his mind seemed to be doing lately. Half thoughts that left before he could ever really think about them. It was almost like he was stuck in some kind of limbo. At least until he realized that all his thoughts we back to the overwhelming fact that he was feeling nothing.

Before he could get trapped down that rabbit hole of thoughts a knock came to his door. From his spot on the foot of the bed Monty lifted his head and started to growl but Deeks didn't bother to stand up already knowing he didn't want to talk to the person on the other side.

It wasn't as if it was hard to figure out that it was someone from the team. They had been randomly showing up at his place since he was released from the hospital. He still had yet to speak to them and that was perfectly fine with him. It wasn't as if it would make a difference.

Letting the noise fall away to the background Deeks continued to look up. He wasn't waiting for anything really. There was simply nothing better for him to do than stare until his body had the brilliant idea of trying to fall asleep once more. That was always fun.

Like he predicted the knocking stopped after a moment. The growling, on the other hand, didn't. Finally looking down at his dog Deeks watched blankly as he got up and started to stalk into the living room. Without thinking he stood up himself and followed the mutt.

A voice in the back of his head screamed that something was wrong and that he needed to get his gun, but it sounded so far away it was easy to ignore. Instead he stood there silently watching as someone picked the lock to his front door while Monty growled.

"Martin?" came a heavily accented voice, "Hello?"

Cocking his head to the side Deeks didn't bother to move as he tried to figure out where he knew that voice from. It was on the tip of his tongue but like everything else seemed to be hidden behind an ever present fog that he just couldn't bring himself to shake.

"Martin?" the voice repeated finally pushing the door open.

The dogs growls grew louder as the man walked in. It was easy to tell that he was more than ready to protect his owner as soon as he needed to. Under normal circumstances Deeks would have felt the love Monty was showing. At the moment all he could do was watch waiting to see what was going to happen.

"Martin, there you are!" the man called trying to step forward only to stop when Monty stood up hackles raised, "Would you mind calling your pet off?"

Even with the man in plain view it took longer than it should have to identify him. He should have been able to figure out who it was based just off of his voice. It wasn't as if he didn't know the man.

"Anatoli," Deeks said his voice weak from disuse.

"Hello to you as well, my dear," the criminal greeted with a large smile his eyes darting between the detective and the dog, "Will you call him off?"

Blinking a few times the words not quite sinking in Deeks looked down at Monty. The dog still looked as if he was ready to sink his teeth in the other mans neck. Idly Deeks found himself wondering if that would hurt more or less than all that had already happened.

"Marty?" Kirkin questioned pulling him from his thoughts.

"Monty," the detective muttered placing a hand on the dogs head, "It's alright."

Monty looked up at Deeks like he didn't quite believe him, but quit growling and sat down nonetheless. Once it seemed like he wasn't going to do anything Deeks looked up again and stared at the other man.

"Thank you," Kirkin offered moving closer to him once more, "It's good to see you, Martin. I was worried when I heard what happened."

"What happened?" Deeks asked trying to think of anything that would have brought the older man down, "I haven't been to work recently."

Instead of answering Kirkin slowly stepped forward looking as if he was trying to figure something out. It didn't take long for them to be standing closer enough for the other man to reach out and place a hand on Deeks arm. Staring at the hand Deeks found himself wondering why the touch felt so odd.

"Are you alright, Martin?" Kirkin questioned his voice low and slow.

"What are you doing here?" Deeks asked staring down at Monty and petting his head.

"I was worried. Remember?"

"Right."

Moving slowly Deeks went to the couch and sat down. He felt his head lull to the side causing him to look out the window. Outside he saw some men standing there looking as if they weren't going to move for awhile. For a moment he quietly watched as they did nothing.

"My men," Kirkin offered sitting next to him on the couch, "They are making sure no one disturbs us."

Making a noise in the back of his throat the detective continued to watch them. At least that had been his plan. Then a hand cupped the side of his face and directed it over until he was looking at Kirkin again. There was a look on his face that Deeks knew he should figure out but instead he simply stared.

"Martin," Kirkin started sounding somehow serious and soft at the same time, "When did you last sleep?"

"Yesterday," Deeks answered calmly.

"For how long?"

"Ten minutes. I think. It's all a bit fuzzy. Hey, Kirkin?"

"Yes?"

"When did you get here again?"

A word he didn't know fell from the other mans lips as he stood up and gently pulled at Deeks until he was doing the same. A strong hand moved to rest on his shoulder gripping him tightly as he was led through his home and into his bedroom.

"You need sleep," Kirkin stated pushing him gently until he was sitting down.

"Can't sleep," Deeks responded not bothering to move to lay down.

"You must try, my dear. Your mind is beginning to fail you."

"I think it did that awhile ago."

A sigh fell from the older man as he moved closer once more and pushed him down until he was laying on his side. A pained hiss fell from Deeks lips at the movement causing Kirkin to mutter out an apology his hand gently carding through dirty, blond hair.

"Sleep will help you see more clearly," Kirkin tried pulling blankets up and tucking him under them.

"No," Deeks denied softly, "All I see is him. Every time I close my eyes I'm back there."

"He is dead. He can never hurt you again."

"Why doesn't that help?"

Deeks stared up at the older man waiting for an answer. Kirkin was a criminal. It was completely possible that he had some kind of information that he didn't. Maybe he could tell him something that would actually help him fall asleep.

"Kirkin," Deeks started sitting up once more, "Why can't I get out?"

"You are out," Kirkin replied sitting next to him on the bed, "You're simply too tired and are not thinking straight. Lay down."

"I won't sleep for long if I do fall asleep. I can't."

"Ah, but you have me now. My men will stay posted outside so no one comes in."

"And you?"

Instead of saying anything Kirkin moved them around so he was sitting at the head of the bed. Once he was comfortable he reached out and tugged Deeks down until he was resting his head on his lap. As soon as he was down a hand began to gently scratch at his scalp.

For a moment Deeks laid there tensely. Even though he couldn't quite say why it was a bad idea he knew he shouldn't be doing it. As the nails gently massaged him though he found himself relaxing into the warmth that he hadn't felt in awhile.

"Kirkin, why are you here?" Deeks questioned one last time even as his eyelids grew heavy.

"For you," the older man finally answered, "I shall always come for you."


End file.
